Redefining Motherhood on the Trails of New Zealand

She Who Wanders

Apr 11

A Convo with Bailey from @spiritandguts

Meet Bailey. Wife, mom of two girls, a marriage and family therapist, former back-packing guide, and search and rescue team volunteer, Bailey is an American expat currently living in New Zealand. With a mission to “empower women to listen to and act on their intuition through connection to wild spaces and their wild selves,” she creates and shares content to inspire and equip them in feeling safe and comfortable for adventures that will fuel their souls - both as individuals and as moms. Through sharing her van-life adventures - hiking, camping and backpacking - she gives a peek into the most beautiful and off-the-beaten path spots in New Zealand. She shows what is possible with kids + adventuring while also keeping it real and relatable. Her vulnerability and commitment to leading the way for other adventure moms is changing the world by helping us all become more in tune with ourselves so we can discover what makes us feel most alive.

Tell us a little about you and your family like where you’re from, where you live now, how old are your kids and anything interesting or unique you’d like people to know.

I grew up in the suburbs of San Francisco. I met and started dating my first-boyfriend-turned-husband in high school, then went to different universities. I ran track in San Diego and studied psychology while he studied Information Systems in Utah. We were lucky to make it through all that distance and still like each other enough to get married before starting graduate school. I am trained as a marriage and family therapist. I’ve worked at Stanford University, volunteered on my county search and rescue team, and worked as a backpacking guide.

Now we live with our two daughters, ages 2 and 4, in New Zealand, where we moved on a two year contract for my husband’s work. We are on our third camper van. The first was the cheapest one we could possibly build right out of grad school. The second was our long term family van (we thought); a Ford Transit for 4 we built while I was pregnant with my second. And the third is our pre-built van we bought here in New Zealand. We’re having a blast exploring here, and wondering what will happen in the next season of life.

As a therapist who helps women uncover the most fulfilling versions of themselves and go from just getting through the day to really thriving and feeling excited about life, what do you think is most women’s greatest obstacle to living a vibrant and connected life? Was there a time when you found yourself living a life that didn’t feel aligned. How did you break out of it and into new habits/ a different lifestyle?

While each woman’s journey is so different, I’ll mention two common obstacles I see preventing that vibrant, connected life.

The first is, broadly, healing work that needs to be done from our past. We each have old patterns we no longer need. Ways of interacting with people and the world that helped us as kids but that no longer serve us. It takes intentional work to change those patterns when we want something new, and getting some help from a coach or therapist, and/or reading books of the “self help” variety, mindfulness, etc. really help.

The second obstacle is the stories we have about what our life looks like or should look like. The stories about what it means to be a mother or wife or woman and the societal norms we’ve conformed to over the years.

I’ll give some examples from my own life to illustrate these obstacles, because I’ve experienced them and continue to work towards breaking out of them, towards feeling more authentic and natural. My work includes at different times therapy, reading, journaling, mindfulness, and regular practice listening to my intuition and taking action on what I feel, even when it feels scary or nonnormative.

Healing work: I was drawn to study marriage and family therapy in graduate school with that common desire to help people, and it turned out it really was helping myself too. It was the beginning of my healing journey. I’ve since been to therapy a handful of times as I go through different cycles of growth and readiness. I love self help style books and practicing mindfulness and journaling and working on listening to my intuition a little better each day.

Old stories: Not all that long ago, I had a pretty clear picture of what motherhood looked like. It was something pretty suburban. My time would focus on taking care of our house, cooking, cleaning, and taking trips to the local park or library. Vacations once or twice a year with my husband’s limited days off.

That is one very narrow version of motherhood. And while it is one that may bring some women great joy, and more power to them, I discovered through experience it does not feed my own fire.

So I’ve been working on letting that old story go and rewriting mine with great intention as I learn about what does make me excited to wake up in the morning. Currently it’s a mixture of solo adventures with my kids, family adventures, backpacking and van camping trips, and plenty of days at home, plus photography, learning to whittle and garden, and work on my content creation business.

What made me sad for a while was thinking maybe I didn’t actually like being a mom all that much. But it turns out that I was just so burnt out from trying to fit the mold I had in my head, that I didn’t have much energy left to give. Now I’m stoked to play with my tiny people each day (with breaks of course)!

The Great Wanderlust is all about women stepping outside of the box and diving deeper in both travel and in life! The mission is to inspire moms + families to feel fully alive through adventure and exploration! What is your great wanderlust? What most makes you come to life?? Take us back to a moment when you felt that.

Backpacking and long camper-van trips are really where I feel the most stoke. They are the times when I have those moments when I just think, “Damn, I love this and life is good!”

What advice would you give to a woman who knows she’s not living in alignment with her highest/truest self, but doesn’t have a vision for what that even is? How can she get started in uncovering what sets her soul on fire?

Know that it’s a journey we will probably always be on at different levels. I’ve come to deeply value looking at my life in seasons and I ask myself questions within that framework. So it’s not just, “What sets my soul on fire?” But: “What sets my soul on fire in this season?”

I love the permission that gives us to change and to acknowledge the different energy levels and capacities we have in each stage of life. It’s freeing in a way.

Like it would set my soul on fire to thru hike the PCT but am I in a place to do that right now? I’m not. But I have confidence I will be in another season and I look forward to that if it's meant to be.

What fills my cup now is the shortest backpacking trips and waterfall hikes I can find because even that with kids is hard enough and sharing our experiences and insights along the way with the kind strangers I meet on the internet via Instagram.

Be willing to try things that come to mind, to see how they feel, to experiment and learn and be awkward at first. And give yourself time and grace to let your path unfold. Nature moves at a glacial pace and we are part of nature.

What is your greatest challenge as an adventure mom? How do you overcome it and continually show up in a way that helps you manage the struggle? Are there any tools you keep in your back pocket that have helped you when you’re out adventuring with your kids?

The two things that come to mind are not burning myself out and not getting overwhelmed with the inherent difficulty of adventuring with young kids. I don’t want to be a grumpy mom, that’s part of why I get out in the first place. Playing outside regularly with my kids greatly improves my mental health (also read: reduces my tendencies toward depression and anxiety). It takes a lot of intentionality to do enough adventures to keep me sane but not so much that I get too tired. To pick cool enough trips that fuel my stoke but not so hard they aren’t fun for me (and the kids). To keep enough clarity and energy to remember to navigate normal toddler difficulties with my toolbox like playing games on the trail when morale is low or handing out snacks at the right times and remembering to snack enough myself too!

You can learn more about my tricks for hiking with toddlers in my ebook.

What is your greatest dream/hope for the next 5 years of your life?

In 5 years my oldest will be almost 10 so it’s so fun to think about the kinds of adventures she’ll be more capable of going on (backpacking, white water rafting, mountain biking, etc.).

We are in this interesting place where I really don’t even know what country we’ll be in a year from now so I have a long list of dreams and potential plans which I think is so fun!

One of my current favorites is buying some acreage in the Sierra or somewhere else in the US Mountain West and building a small home for ourselves and garden plus some short term rental cabins or unique camping or glamping accommodations.

Being an adventure mom and living outside the status quo takes a lot of mental strength to overcome doubts, fears and uncertainty. What are some daily rituals or habits you implement in your life that help you stay in a positive headspace and focused on the good in life?

I am not hugely into particular routines, I’m more of a variety gal. But lately, each day at nap time I make sure to spend a few minutes reading a book first, then do my spiritual and/or journal practice, then delete 100 photos off my Google Photos for digital cleanliness (ha!) and then get to work on my photography and content creation business. It helps me slow down for a little bit so I don’t just keep rolling from one thing to the next.

I also watch a show every night (always a comedy or rom/com) while eating salt and vinegar chips and (currently) some Cadbury Black Forest chocolate. I think it’s delightful to have both an unquestionably healthy habit and a bit of an indulgent one!

I hugely admire how you seem to live your life in accordance with your own values and beliefs because I truly think it’s one of the most important things in life. But it can be super hard to do that with all the noise out there. In the media, social media, and even just unsolicited advice from family/friends/strangers - someone is always informing us on everything from what to feed our kids to how to educate them. How do you stay tuned into your own intuition and make decisions and choices based on what your soul knows, without feeling overcome with doubt or being influenced from the outside?

First, thank you for this sweet compliment. I’ve worked really hard to learn about my values and live accordingly, and that’s part of the answer. It takes a lot of work for many of us.

A huge factor for me was to learn what anxiety feels like and to lower the level of anxiety I walk around with regularly. So many of us grew up in a mostly heightened state and so we don’t even know what it feels like to be calm! Therapy and mindfulness really helped me on that journey. Time outside exercising too.

Now that I am learning that feeling, when I see or read or hear something that brings a sense of doubt or worry, that triggers that anxiety in my body, I’ve decided it’s not something I want to take in. Because I know that particular feeling doesn’t come from a good place.

Now I’m not saying I never take any advice or that I don’t learn from and change based on my reading. But I can feel when something hits me in a “This feels right for me and my family and I want to work on it” way versus a “Oh no should I be doing this differently?” anxious way.

I’ve also decided that when in doubt, I will trust my gut. I’ve decided I will choose not to spend my mental energy worrying. It’s a bit of trust in the universe or divinity or whatever you believe in to guide your path.

Also on a less philosophical note, I am really careful about what social media and news and friends I let into my life. Anything that brings negativity, depression, jealousy, I do my best to cut out. With social media we have so much control! It’s literally a click of the unfollow button or a scroll past. It’s made a huge difference to realize that I only want to watch comedies and to be careful about the news outlets I consume all in the name of my mental health.

How did you get started taking your kids on adventures? Were you an experienced hiker before kids?

I grew up playing a lot of sports and going on a yearly camping trip with my family, and I have really fond memories of those trips. I am actually quite lucky that one of the men my mom dated (my parents got divorced when I was young) was big into backpacking and my mom, being the gung-ho woman she is, convinced him to take us out for a night and teach us the basics. I was maybe 14 at the time.

Then she decided we were capable enough to go out ourselves, so she booked a backcountry campsite, bought us gear, and off we went with our way-too-heavy packs (a very common newbie backpacking mistake). The way she tells the story, mid-hike she was feeling super concerned I would never want to backpack again because of how hard it felt when at that very moment I turned around to face her and yelled, “This is awesome!”

That is how I found my love of backpacking. Thanks to my adventurous mother.

After that we went out a handful more while I was in high school, but I really honed my skills as a young adult. I worked as a camp counselor and then a backpacking guide and volunteered on my county search and rescue team in my 20’s where I got even more training.

Even with all that experience, it didn’t come naturally to take my first daughter out on hikes that much when she was born. We went on a couple big trips, but it wasn’t a regular part of my life. It honestly just didn’t occur to me that I could go on weekday hikes. I felt like I was living by my husband’s 9-5 work schedule.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my second daughter, and so so tired and miserable, that I realized that I had two options. I could either continue to lay on the couch feeling awful and depressed and overwhelmed by this toddler I had to take care of, or I could get off the couch and find something we both enjoyed doing.

I drove 10 minutes down the road to a trailhead, we made it maybe half a mile down the trail before turning back, and somehow it still felt exhausting. But instead of the burnt out exhaustion I was used to, it was bordering on exhilaration. My daughter had a good time too.

From there we slowly started expanding our adventures both in how far we drove from home and how far we could hike and how intense the trips would be until they’ve gotten where they are today: multi-week van camping trips, a few backpacking trips a year, and tons of smaller and weekday adventures in between, including a decent amount of trips where I go solo with the kids, without my husband.

It honestly changed my life and was really where I started breaking down the narratives in my head that weren’t serving me, leaning into listening to and acting upon my intuition, and feeling excited to wake up each day.

Who inspires you to dig deeper in travel and life?